The Boiled Hotdogs

by Midnight Freemason Contributor

Robert H. Johnson

Joining Freemasonry over 11 years ago, I think back about all kinds of experiences. The degrees, the fellowship, the camaraderie, and of course, the goofy stuff too. What goofy stuff you might ask? You know, the stuff we joke about all the time. In fact stuff we've grown to complain so much about, they become internet memes plastered all over Reddit or Facebook.

One of my most favorite of which is below. I have a new favorite every month. 

Somethings I remember about Lodge are totally inconsequential to my overall experience, yet are nuanced memories that pop in my head--sometimes met with nostalgia, sometimes warm and fuzzy feelings, sometimes embarrassment, and sometimes nausea.

The title of the article mentions boiled hotdogs. That's one of those gnarly and nauseating memories. As I recall it, it was a Monday night, a practice night. The new Sr. Warden, an older fellow with a southern flair was really excited. He made dinner. He was raving about these "big @ss, hotdogs", he'd bought. I gotta break in here for just a moment because I really like hotdogs. Grilled outside on the BBQ, on the Foreman, panfried--I'll eat a hotdog. Here's my only catch--I only eat all-beef hotdogs.

So, there I was. I was starving, had just finished a ritual practice where I was beaten up about how terrible I was, and I walked into the dining room. I grabbed a mini bag of Doritos (Nacho flavor if you're curious), and there it was. That foot-and-a-half tall stainless steel pot of hot water. An opaque sheen of otherworldly substance floated on the top, only broken by the plumped, bursting, and over-boiled hotdog. Tongs with rust at the hinges laid out on the table.

I picked up those tongs, gave them a few open-and-closes, as any man does before use. They squeaked. I stared at the mist coming off of the hot water, at the pearlescent sheen and those fat, rotund, odious hotdogs floating there. I looked up and locked eyes with the Sr. Warden--his hulking mass, his tremendous smile from ear to ear. He was so proud of this meal. I was proud of him too. But there I was and time stood still. I smiled back. I plunged the tongs into the pot with the apprehension of an 8-year-old boy sleeping over at a friend's house and the family has some god-awful weird thing to eat.

"Nothing But Trouble" The Hot Dog Scene. It's gross. Watch it here.

As a kid, maybe you get out of it. "Oh I gotta run home for a minute." or "I just remembered. I am supposed to eat at home. I'll be back after dinner." But I was 32. A grown man. I had to do it. I looked back at the pot and was able to get a hold of one of these hotdogs. I shook it a bit to get the excess grease sweat off of it. And the flaccidity of it--it just broke and fell into the pot again. I dove in again for a second one. Got it. I didn't shake it off. I just tossed it in the bun, I covered it with mustard, relish, giardiniera, and grabbed a Coke.

I was able to eat about two-thirds of that hotdog. You know when you eat something and literally, the second it hits your stomach, you know you shouldn't eat anymore? Yeah, I did too. I at more of it anyway. I couldn't be rude. He was so proud. So I did it. I took one for the team. I choked it down and thanked the Brother for the meal. As I cleaned the kitchen that night with the stewards, I looked in the garbage can to see what exactly I had just eaten. What did the lodge pay for? What would the members be paying for tonight and tomorrow?

My suspicions were confirmed when I found the packaging. It was an off-brand, made with everything you don't want to know about. I paid the bill for eating that hotdog, and so did a bunch of Brothers. Thinking back in my memories of Freemasonry, that's one I will never forget. That's one of those nauseating memories.

What about you? I know you have a story too. Let me read all about it in the comments. Freemasonry is amazing, but there's some bad stuff too.

~RHJ

RWB Johnson is a Co-Managing Editor of the Midnight Freemasons blog. He is a Freemason out of the 2nd N.E. District of Illinois. He currently serves as the Secretary of Spes Novum Lodge No. 1183. He is a Past Master of Waukegan Lodge 78 and a Past District Deputy Grand Master for the 1st N.E. District of Illinois. Brother Johnson currently produces and hosts weekly Podcasts (internet radio programs) Whence Came You? & Masonic Radio Theatre which focuses on topics relating to Freemasonry. He is also a co-host of The Masonic Roundtable, a Masonic talk show. He is a husband and father of four, works full time in the executive medical industry. He is the co-author of "It's Business Time - Adapting a Corporate Path for Freemasonry", “The Master’s Word: A Short Treatise on the Word, the Light, and the Self – Annotated Edition” and author of "How to Charter a Lodge: A No-Nonsense, Unsanctioned Guide. More books are on the way.

The Original Roast

by Midnight Freemason Contributor

Steven L. Harrison, 33°, FMLR

"It's no coincidence George Hamilton loves the sun. They were born in the same year. The difference is the sun is actually a star." ~Lisa Lampanelli

"What's with all the surgery, Kathy (Griffin)? You've been stitched up thousands of times but you're still sad to look at. You're like the AIDS quilt." ~Greg Giraldo

"Justin’s fans are called Beliebers because it’s politically incorrect to use the word retards." ~Natasha Legerro

"My good friend Snoop Dogg said Jeff Ross' book was unreadable, but that's because Snoop can't read." ~Larry King

“Bill (Shatner), you were supposed to explore the galaxy, not fill it”- Betty White

Don't you just love a good roast? You know they're those events where people get up and destroy their friends in what is allegedly good-natured fun.

Modern comedy roasts date back to the Friar's Club events of the late 1940s and have progressed (if you can call it progress) to today's televised productions that seemingly make a science of mean-spirited nastiness.

What may be the original comedy roast, however, dates well before the Friars thought of presenting organized evenings of vitriol. That honor goes to a gala event the Atlantic Monthly held in Boston the evening of December 17, 1877, celebrating poet John Greenleaf Whittier's 70th birthday.

People today revere Brother Mark Twain as an American treasure. During his lifetime he was in demand as a speaker and it seemed no one was more well-suited to deliver the keynote address on that auspicious occasion.

Ever the mischievous humorist, Twain decided to go over-the-top and take a few friendly jabs at some of the impressive guests in attendance, specifically Henry Wadsdworth Longfellow, Ralph Waldo Emerson and Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

He launched into a story about stumbling upon a miner's shack. The miner told him, "You're the fourth... literary man that has been here in twenty-four hours — I'm going to move. [The others were] Mr. Longfellow, Mr. Emerson, and Mr. Oliver Wendell Holmes — confound the lot!"

"Mr. Emerson was a seedy little bit of a chap, red-headed. Mr. Holmes was as fat as a balloon; he weighed as much as three hundred, and had double chins all the way down to his stomach. Mr. Longfellow was built like a prize-fighter. His head was cropped and bristly, like as if he had a wig made of hair-brushes. His nose lay straight down his face, like a finger with the end joint tilted up. They had been drinking, I could see that. And what queer talk they used…"

…And on and on it went. Expecting laughter by this point, Twain found himself speaking to a hushed crowd.*

Writing about the event later, Twain said he knew things weren't right, "Now, then, the house's attention continued, but the expression of interest in the faces turned to a sort of black frost. I wondered what the trouble was. I didn't know. I went on, but with difficulty… In the end, I didn't know enough just to give up and sit down.”

Following the speech, newspapers across the country erupted with stories of Twain's rude remarks and bad taste. His book sales dropped off as did, understandably, invitations to speak.

Today we think of Brother Samuel Clemens in his Mark Twain persona as having had the "Midas Touch" when it came to writing, a sense of humor and popularity. It was not so. At the time of the speech, Twain was in some degree of financial distress, and counted on speaking fees and book sales to carry him through. After what author William Dean Howells called "the amazing mistake, the bewildering blunder, the cruel catastrophe" Twain had trouble making ends meet. With no prospect of financial success in the US, he was forced to undertake a grueling European speaking tour.

Twain never completely recovered — financially or emotionally — from his faux pas. Near the end of his life, he wrote about it in an apologetic letter to a friend, "It seems as if I must have been insane when I wrote that speech and saw no harm in it, no disrespect toward those men whom I reverenced so much."

Maybe Brother Twain was just ahead of his time; or maybe we today have become a little too desensitized to what was one time regarded as rude.

____________________________

*Although at the end of the speech Twain called the men in the story representing Emerson, Holmes and Longfellow "imposters," it was a question of too-little-too-late. The full text of the speech is available at http://bit.ly/2ibRsU7

~SLH

Bro. Steve Harrison, 33° is Past Master of Liberty Lodge #31, Liberty, Missouri. He is the editor of the Missouri Freemason magazine, author of the book Freemasonry Crosses the Mississippi, a Fellow of the Missouri Lodge of Research and also its Worshipful Master. He is a dual member of Kearney Lodge #311, St. Joseph Missouri Valley of the Scottish Rite, Liberty York Rite, Moila Shrine and a member and Past Dean of the DeMolay Legion of Honor. Brother Harrison is a regular contributor to the Midnight Freemasons blog as well as several other Masonic publications. His latest book, Freemasons: Tales From the Craft & Freemasons at Oak Island. Both are available on amazon.com.

The Royal Arch "Widow" Degree

by Midnight Freemason Contributor

Judy Gordon

I have a confession. Something I haven’t spoken about. A little over a year ago, I was summoned; not to court, but summoned by King Solomon to appear at Pekin Masonic Temple for Degree work. Degree work?! But I’m not a Mason! As I read the summons, I had to chuckle. Pekin Chapter #25  Royal Arch Masons had summoned a group of Masonic Widows to appear for degree work called “The Royal Arch Widow Degree”. This degree is for women whose husband is out night after night at the Masonic Lodge.

 This degree had not been performed since the mid 60s so Pekin Chapter thought the current widows needed to go through this degree. So, this year they had the degree again and since I went through it last year, I was able to watch it from the sidelines.

 The "widows" are escorted into the lodge room by the royal executioners and are brought in front of grumpy King Solomon. Yes, King Solomon is a grumpy old soul. He asked these poor "widows" to remove their left shoe; this would be evidence of her sincerity and trust in the Order. The shoes are then sterilized in a “decontaminating fluid”. 

The women are escorted around the lodge room by the Grand Master of Ceremonies and are given the “secrets” of the degree. As you know, there are secrets in the lodge room and since I have been through this degree I am not allowed to reveal them. But, as a Royal Arch Widow, King Solomon did reveal a secret. He explained what the letters on the keystone meant. 

We were advised never to divulge them to anyone not entitled to receive them. But on a serious note, this degree has no connection with any Masonic degree, real or imaginary. It’s sole purpose is FUN and to provide entertainment for us women. After the degree work, the widows are presented a lovely wallet sized certificate and a pin.  Oh, I bet you are wondering about the shoes. Well, if you are a Royal Arch Widow, ask your local Royal Arch Chapter to present the degree and find out what happens to your shoes.

~JAG

Judy Gordon is very active in Job's Daughters. She's the Past Honored Queen, and Past Bethel Guardian of Bethel No. 55, Pekin (IL). She received the Cryptic Masons Masonic Youth Leadership Award along with her husband, Ray Gordon in July 2007. She's also Past Matron of the Morton Chapter No. 974 (IL) of the Order of the Eastern Star and Historian of the Emblem Club No. 424 of Pekin (IL). Judy is the recipient of the Degree of Royal Purple (2012) and elected to the Grand Line Illinois Job's Daughters (2015-16). Boaz joined the family in September 2013 and grandmother of 3 wonderful grandsons.

The Clerical Oversight

by Midnight Freemason

Steven L. Harrison, PM, FMLR 33°

From an article originally published in

The Working Tools Magazine November 2013

Years ago I developed a membership management system for my home Lodge. It tracked the standard things you might expect: initiation dates, demographics, Masonic offices held, birth date and the like. When the secretary requested a new feature, I'd add it and test it out in a database that was a duplicate of the live information he used. On occasion I would refresh the test data I had from the live system the secretary had, so the information I had was nearly as complete as his. In fact, on one occasion the secretary called to say his computer had crashed and he hadn't been making backups, so we used my data to recover. Each year for Christmas, the Lodge delivers flowers to the widows of our former members. The year I was Senior Warden we had the Secretary use the system to print a list of the widows and their addresses.

Then several of us divided into teams to deliver the flowers using the list. The Lodge Master and I joined forces and together drove to a widow's house to make our first delivery. Neither of us had known the Brother, but that didn't matter. We walked to the door, rang the bell and the widow answered. We greeted her and were very sincere in wishing her season's greetings and our condolences for the loss of her husband. The poor woman looked a little surprised. She looked back into the living room and called out, "Joe... Are you dead?"   Joe came to the door, "Not the last time I checked." Now it was our turn to be surprised. 

The Master and I apologized for the "clerical oversight" and made a hasty retreat. It turns out, when I sent the Secretary that test database to recover his lost data, I had been using Joe's name to test the method for marking Brothers as having passed away. Prior to restoring the data, I did not resurrect him. You might blame me for this, but I prefer to think of it as a computer error. By the way, we let Joe's wife keep the flowers.

~SLH

Steve Harrison, 33° KCCH, is a Past Master of Liberty Lodge #31, Liberty, Missouri. He is the editor of the Missouri Freemason magazine, author of the book Freemasonry Crosses the Mississippi, a Fellow of the Missouri Lodge of Research and also its Senior Warden. He is a dual member of Kearney Lodge #311, St. Joseph Missouri Valley of the Scottish Rite, Liberty York Rite, Moila Shrine and is a member of the DeMolay Legion of Honor. 

Masonic Meme Mondays: Playing Catch Up

by Midnight Freemason Contributor

Bro. Robert H. Johnson 32

Memes with a Masonic twist. Some say they are disrespectful to the craft, well, what's your opinion? Are they? I personally can't get enough of them. I have known of and used them for quite some time and for those not familiar with the term, it is simply defined as the following:

The word meme is a shortening (modeled on gene) of mimeme (from Ancient Greek μίμημα.

A meme (/ˈmiːm/ meem)[1] is "an idea, behavior, or style that spreads from person to person within a culture."[2] A meme acts as a unit for carrying cultural
 ideas, symbols, or practices that can be transmitted from one mind to 
another through writing, speech, gestures, rituals, or other imitable 
phenomena with a mimicked theme.

Basically, if you use Facebook, you have seen them and have probably shared them. For the most part they are funny but can be political at times. So, full disclosure here I do not know how to use Reddit at all, but every Monday they have Masonic Meme Monday. Some love them, others hate them and still even more say "they are destructive to the craft". So again, I love Masonic Meme Monday, and I repost them all the time. There is rarely one that one is created that doesn't bring me to tears. Here are my favorites and the ones which make me laugh every single time I see them, even posting them now I am chuckling.

I hope they make you laugh and to remember there is humor in everything, especially within our craft. Here is the best of "Masonic Meme Mondays", at least in my humble opinion. As we have so fittingly expressed, The Midnight Freemasons is the "Lighter" side of Freemasonry, or at least we try to be. Please enjoy the slide show below. If your browser or mobile device won't load the slide show, click HERE and it will take you to the album!

Many thanks to WB. Nick Johnson of The Millennial Freemason for turning me on to this hilarious phenomenon!


Bro. Robert Johnson, 32° is the Managing Editor of the Midnight Freemasons blog. He is a Freemason out of the First North-East District of Illinois. He belongs to Waukegan Lodge No. 78. He is also a member of the York Rite bodies Royal Arch, Cryptic Council, Knights Templar, AMD, The Illinois Lodge of Research and a member of the Scottish Rite Valley of Chicago as well as a charter member of the Society of King Solomon, a charity organization run by the Grand Lodge of Illinois. Brother Johnson currently produces and hosts a weekly Podcast (internet radio program) Whence Came You? which focuses on topics relating to Freemasonry. In addition, he produces video shorts focusing on driving interest in the Fraternity and writes original Masonic papers from time to time. He is a husband and father of three. He works full time in the safety industry and is also a photographer on the side as well as an avid home brewer. He is currently working on a book of Masonic essays.